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The Colbert Report/Episodes/EpGuide/Episode 491
Production Info The Check-In * Dr. Colbert discusses what he will be doing during Christmas (which is what alls Americans will be doing) However, His Jewish Friend has other plans: * watching sexy vampire flick and lo mein * Stephen ends the Check-In by wishing His Jewish Friend a "Merry New Year" ** Stewart agrees Intro SEGMENT1 * all Santa has in his sack is haymaker * last show for the year * War on Christmas * Australian astronomers calculated the Holy Star was in June, 2 B.C. ** your chestnuts will be roasting * Stephen will not allow his kids sit on Saint Nicholap SEGMENT2 * Stephen is looking forward to * atheists ** not cute puppies, hopeless puppies * Tonight's Word: The Unbearable Lightness Of Supreme Being * Christmas burns atheists up ** preview to their afterlife * they are vicious * atheists put up a sign in Washington ** minds are not enslaved, they are indentured servants * atheists taking advantage of loophole in First Amendment ** overlooking God gave us this land to begin with * in Kentucky ** resolution requires 39A.?? * unlike Al Qaeda, America's troops are doing God's bidding, etc...(?) * fuels atheists agenda with his actions, undermining our faith in God ** God * why would God do what he does ** people are losing their homes * hard for the sheep to follow * Stephen's advice to God ** this morning's sunrise ** comprehensible * God should be more like Santa (coke Santa, not fat, sweaty June Christmas Santa) SEGMENT3 * Dr. Colbert finishes up the annual staff Christmas bonuses ** they get their own envelop * The Ghost Of Stage Managers Past appears as the ghost of Bobby in chains * Stephen is still working him off his hips * He will show what his life was like before he became a broadcast legend ** a horse jumps from a platform into a pool ** doesn't know his way around the celestial clip library * singing carols in front of a homeless shelter ** not singing he was chanting "Get a job!" * Bobby still looks succulent in the afterlife * Lincoln wants Stephen to return his skull Interview * Michael Phelps * fourteen-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer ** to prepare, Stephen shaved off all his body hair * Phelps does not have an Emmy ** which are heavy * book: No Limits * Phelps turns into an inhuman win machine * before a race Phelps listens to Lil' Wayne * Joni Mitchell would make him drown * if Phelps put his mind to it, he could swim in fire * Stephen turns off the TV when they play those human interest stories ** doesn't know Phelps wasn't born with flippers * Stephen recommends that he work to be the least in shape man in the world * practices 5-6 hours a day * called Dara Torrez (sp) "mom" * if Phelps was a winter guy ** he doesn't ice dance * Usain Bolt is the fastest man on land ** but could possibly skip over the water he is so fast * hopes to be in 2012 (although not 8 races) ** maybe 2010 if Stephen teaches him to ice dance Epilogue * Dr. Colbert comes back from the break eating spectral BBQ * he wishes everybody out there in the Colbert Nation a Merry Christmas ** especially Bobby Gallery Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Image: Motherload Videos External Tubes *Link Title *Link Title Reviews and Comments